Manosphere street smarts

An intro: I'm in my 50s and self-dx'd with Asperger's. My whole life made sense when I figured it out; it halved my problems. I used to be lucky if I lasted three months at a job; now I can last more than three years like an NT. Actually I'm not looking for a date; using NT dating apps I'm in another relationship with an NT, this one my age. I'm not trying to literally sell anything. I just want to share some manosphere street smarts with my brothers on the spectrum so they have a shot at the love, sex, marriage, and fatherhood that NTs have. I have the classic complaint of spectrum folk: why don't people say what they mean? Why don't they mean what they say? I'm grieving a 10-year relationship and was on the dating merry-go-round much of last year and hated it. I can handle rejection just fine: "no, thank you," "I'm not interested," and "I've changed my mind." Cool. Like most of you I respect honesty. Anyway, quick tip for men: you don't have to look like Tom Brady or be a millionaire though they help. Seriously, ***don't be needy and be just a little reserved and mysterious***. Few things are as unattractive as nagging a girl for a date. Neediness is why 90% of nice guys are shot down. And forget Hollywood, please. The dogged nice guy winning the girl's love by being a good friend first? Rubbish. You don't want to be a bridesmaid, doing a woman's chores without romance, or her online fan club, a beta orbiter. Many women want cheap male attention to boost their egos. The friendzone is real and a dead end. If you're too scared to really make a move like saying "I'd like to take you out to dinner," not "let's hang out," you will fail, simple as that. Mainstream society lies, lies, lies. Men are primarily attracted to looks; women to status and power. Don't beg, and hold back JUST a bit, and you'll have a chance. Of course love and sex are wonderful - they make the world go round, and when you're young they make babies! And especially as I get older, the companionship and security are as important as the sex. I like the idea of demisexuality, only being attracted to those you have a deep connection with. I'm becoming like that. Have fun and know I'm in your court, guys.

A man’s musings about dating and courtship

If the girl goes cold, cut contact immediately. No matter how attached she was before (four-hour video calls in which she even talks about marriage). Literally no questions asked. Don’t ask/whine/plead, “What’s wrooooooong? Whyyyyyyy? We can work this oooout.” That’s weakness, which God made women hate; their survival instinct now gone wrong.

Nagging someone for a date or another chance is the opposite of confidence; very unsexy. Girls will call you a creep.

More.

Revenge on an LJBF girl

"Let's just be friends," the participation trophy of the dating world. Girls pretending to be polite when of course they really mean they never want to see you again. Usually unstudly Asperger's guys get that a lot. Many say people with Asperger's are emotionally immature, not handling rejection well, but in this case that's not true. I'm fine with "no, thank you; I've changed my mind so I won't see you anymore" early on. LJBF is patronizing, insulting your intelligence. We are sexual beings and I'm proudly old-fashioned so no, I don't believe in opposite-sex friends. "What are you going to do, be one of her bridesmaids?" Acquaintances you're cordial with, sure; friends, no.

I didn't take a date to my high-school prom. My only college prom date seemed sweet but had emotional problems; she used this line on me then gave me mixed signals throughout the event. Rude. I bought the "dogged nice guy" myth from movies and TV (think Ross from "Friends"), "win her over," which ended predictably badly. Now I realize it wasn't just the Asperger's; she was crazy. And thanks to social media I see she's deservedly still single.

Anyway this crap has come up a few times in my adult dating life. My first real girlfriend broke up with me that way by mail, even though we worked together! She was crazy too. Once a few years ago it arguably wasn't really an LJBF but simply a girlfriend flaking OR testing me; girls do that. We were making out, still in our clothes, a few steps away from "closing," when as sometimes happens to men I got too excited too fast; you get the picture. So I'm stalling, waiting to recharge. Took too long. She flopped down on the couch in her negligee saying "This is a friendship."

"I don't do that." I knew better, having been strung along as a beta orbiter, in the friendzone (not quite the same as LJBF; often no blowoff speech), years before. No, thank you.

Stood my ground over the next couple of dates and eventually we did have sex. She had lots of other problems, including the dealbreaker, cheating on me, but anyway...

Let's call her Tara. I was in a 10-year relationship with someone else I wrongly assumed couldn't marry because she was mildly retarded after a childhood accident. Tara wasn't particularly pretty, certainly not in person, but - red flag - had lots of sexy social-media photos, vintage pinup poses. Regarding my special interests and views, she looked and spoke the part. "I'm a traditional woman in a hookup world!" Saw her on Facebook; that thing really is an occasion of sin. She was obviously looking; her status said "Single." Cold open from me, referring to an interest. She was receptive. A few texts, then a four-hour video call from me in which she even brought up marriage. She was divorced; non-custodial mother, another red flag, as she was more of an eccentric aunt than a parent. Being a typical jerk guy, I didn't want that responsibility. Anyway, I thought "Cool beans." Asked her out, she said yes, and by text I hurt the sweet girl who'd been waiting for me to propose - I was a coward and deserved what I got later, and still grieve over this person, who got together with someone else. On the appointed day I spent a lovely if chaste afternoon with Tara in her town 60 miles from me, hand in hand. I was a try-hard, with gifts right away; not recommended. Got two kisses goodbye and a happy text waiting for me when I got home (I didn't have a cell phone yet!). Everything was rosy for about three days after. I hesitated at the idea of getting on a carnival ride; she went cold. What the hell happened? So I actually doubled down, writing about the home I wanted with her, hoping to get an honest reply such as "no, thank you." Guess what I didn't get? After a week of this garbage from her I wrote that she seemed to be avoiding me. I got this business letter-like text back starting with these deadly words: "Honestly, Hank, you're a nice guy but..."

"Nice guy" is an insult in the sex world; girls think they're needy and sneaky. The dogged nice guy only wins in movies and on TV.

"However (yes; my, aren't we formal?), you made me just a little uncomfortable with your talk of 'our home'..." She flaked, then blamed me. Then a variation on "I'm not ready for a relationship," another condescending blowoff lie, and then the trial run of LJBF, "I'd like to get together with no expectations..." No expectations, hell! Yes, expectations. Told her so then video'd a bit, making our second date. I thought almost all was well and of course I was wrong.

It was a day when my longtime sweetheart and I would have been at a big event related to one of my special interests. Tara drove 60 miles one way to see me so I thought I was set. She was late, distant (the infamous face-turn so I kissed her cheek; her excuse was a cold), and sending mixed signals. At one point she talked about moving far away, to be with her parents. Big hint. No dinner, no coming up to my place...

Three days after that by text she dropped the bomb: "Blah blah blah friends. Take care!"

I was being gaslit. It was like the video call and first date never happened. For a lot of girls, social media are cheap male attention, like playing a video game; an ego boost. I couldn't believe it. So I was unmanly. I begged. I thought if I could keep her texting, I was winning. Another patronizing speech from her, then she blew up. "Please respect my decision."

Here's where "dogged nice guy" accidentally worked, not for romance but revenge. She didn't unfriend me on Facebook. So after a couple of weeks of passively, stupidly, trying to win her over, with interesting posts and the occasional likes for hers, I complained about the situation. Got a condescending comment from her: attraction is often one-sided, it's happened to me, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and SOMEDAY God will provide SOMEONE for you!

I was smart enough not to answer. Here's where friends on social media come in handy.

"Hank, you deserve better than this." Other friends chimed in, dogpiling onto this bitch. Thanks! Neither I nor she responded at first, then I posted, "Now I see why men don't go to church anymore," what with the patronizing God-talk.

The bigger payoff was when I posted again referring to/complaining about the mess, not crying this time but amused at Tara's bitchiness. She exploded with an angry text, "YOU FREAKED ME OUT," "we have NO CHEMISTRY," "that pack of lies," blah blah, having people "pump you up" online. How dare I have friends and a life! She unfriended and eventually blocked me after I let her have it by text one last time with no intention of further contact. Public shaming is an effective weapon to hurt a woman.

Fucking awesome. As for the romance I really did dodge a bullet. Tara deserved to have her face slapped, and, perfectly legal, in cyberspace she got what was coming to her.

tl;dr: String her along on social media and watch your friends attack her.

Funny: (From Reddit.) Him: I just came off a bad friendship so I'm not ready for another one.

Better: Her: Blah blah blah friends. Take care! Him: Ha ha, LOL, or laughing emoji. No. Take care!

10 steps to become independent

Here.

Does online dating work?

Yes, but. It's slowly moving into semi-respectability among normals. Aspies are naturals for this, and if you want to up your experience, both in hooking up and dealing with fails/toughening up, which will help get you more success, then yes.

Navigating love and autism

Here.

Great dating advice

Here.

Advice to the infamous rejected e-mail guy.

This answer is so good it makes me wonder if Michael P is Coach Roissy. No-bullshit, uncensored social-skills advice from the cool brother or friend (wingman) you should have or wish you did.

(What Roissy would say to e-mail guy, among other things: Jumbotron test. Girls don’t like big, impassioned speeches. Movies and TV are garbage.)

Word: with online dating you too can parallel date.

BTW here’s e-mail guy’s online-dating profile. Good-looking and rich. No wonder he gets lots of first dates. Now that I see him I wonder if he’s really autistic. He writes like it. Shows the danger of long-distance diagnosis. He may be, or he may just be used to having his way because he’s rich and handsome, or maybe both.

(He looks like a stone alpha but sounds like a beta.)

A few years ago online I met this smoking-hot divorcee six years older than me. Brunette with killer rack. Smart enough, hot pics, accepting flirty IMs, great. Went on an eight-hour first date (spring afternoon and evening in a romantic little town). I could tell she wasn’t very into me but she was in no hurry to leave either and most important wasn’t rebuffing my advances. Even made out a couple of times in the bar later that night. (Rare on first dates but I’ve had it happen more than once.)

She disappeared after the first date. She was back trolling the dating site, and evasive when I called her, once, to find out what was up. Didn’t know game yet but learned enough not to say a lot.

It happens. To normals. Don’t worry about it.

(Game hindsight: I made some aspie beta moves, too clingy, that probably turned her off.)

Another story: I made a similar mistake as e-mail guy in writing (this was before there was e-mail) with my second girlfriend. Live and learn.

P.S. If he weren't a sperg, he wouldn't need a dating service.

Recent true story: how not to handle dating rejection

An investment banker makes a fool out of himself.

Misleading assumptions about quiet people

Here.

How to read people at a bar by how they hold their drinks

Here.

Two from GRASP

• 9 pieces of advice.
• Infantilizing the autistic.

25 acts of body language to avoid

Here.

How to survive at work when you have AS

Here, by AS blogger Penelope Trunk.

How to avoid conversational narcissism

Here.

Ten things women never want to hear on a first date

Here.

How to handle a woman talking down to you

Part of having AS is giving off a weakling vibe without meaning to, for the most part not being able to help it. Being naturally clumsy doesn't help. Doubly bad for men, because as Coach Roissy says, girls hate sweet, weak "betas" and love strong "alphas." And that's not just the hot chicks, although it's doubly true of them since of course they have much higher standards/they're not desperate. Long story short: most people don't take you seriously. As Tony Attwood says, you attract two kinds of normal people, mothers (patronizing) or predators (bullies).

That and being slower to pick up social cues or, my point today, adapting to changes in them.

Having a presidential IQ and a professor's vocabulary doesn't change any of that. Life's not fair.

I can tell the difference between a real compliment - like when the guy's guy of a boss says he likes how I now dress up for work, which I've done for about a year (and for a good reason: I get to go out of the office and deal with the public; not bad for an AS person), or the hot (of course taken) part-timer's supermodel smile saying, "You look nice!" - and a fake one.

What about the formerly friendly chubby girl who sees you by the water cooler or copier and says, "What's this? Are you going on a job interview?" A note of sarcasm you never heard from her before. Red alert! You're thrown off your autopilot routine/script for handling this person, a weakness of AS people.

"I'm a ____ (name the job)," stressing the last word, sounding rightly annoyed. Good move so far.

"So what are you ____ (name the job) now?" in the same patronizing tone she probably uses on her five-year-old nephew's claim to be Spider-Man.

AS mistake: assume this cow's still friendly and give a literal if flat answer.

Better: almost getting in her face (walking a step or two closer to her only if you have to), keeping your expression neutral, look her in the eye, and say, "I don't like your tone." (This should work if you keep your tone flat.) Then turn and start to leave.

If this person says, "Well, sor-ry!" or "Well, gah!" (sarcastic), keep walking and don't say anything more. If it's a long, patronizing "sorry" trying to sound all sweet if it's a girl, look her in the eye again (but don't walk back to her), wear the same deadpan expression and use the same neutral tone, and say, "This conversation's over." And walk away.

Front personalities to study and adapt for you: tough-guy movies and TV. (I said adapt. Don't overdo it by acting note for note or it will backfire or you'll get in trouble.) AS men think their wordiness works; it doesn't. Remember, alpha males don't talk a lot. If it wouldn't fit on the Jumbotron in big letters, don't say it.

(An alpha wouldn't give off the vibe to get teased like that either but you can still learn to react like one. Rehearse it until it becomes a habit.)

20/20 hindsight.

You're welcome. :)

Honest Graduation Song

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Life is not the movies: manic pixie dream girls

Here.

15 dating behaviors that don't work

Advice from a mainstreamish for-pay dating site here. ("Mainstreamish" because normals don't usually admit to using these.) Pretty good, and of course meant for normal and AS people alike. Notes for AS people: the appearance issue can be a problem but mostly, in AS people's case, not intentionally, and watch out for going overboard talking about your pet cause and crossing the line between honesty and rudeness.

And again check out free dating sites: they work!

How not to act after a breakup

Not all meltdowns include shouting and crying. It's still so AS it hurts.
Remember, as Roissy says, if it would embarrass you on the Jumbotron, don't say it.